islamic counseling

Some people don't realize the importance of premarital counseling until problems arise after their marriage. Therefore, my advice to the parents, to the imams, counselors, and chaplains in the universities, and high school teachers in Islamic schools is to talk about these issues of marriages, teach courses on marriage, and propose pre-marital counseling when they are considering marriage.

What are the issues that imams and the counselors should bring in premarital counseling? The first issues that should be brought up include understanding important concepts: marriage, religion, and the role of man and woman.

The second issue is about communication, this is the most significant issue in marital relations. Counselors discuss effective communications, effective listening, and feedback. One might also give them a scenario of miscommunications and methods of coping with them.

The third area is the area of abuse. We ask the couple to define abuse and to discuss different types of abuse: verbal, physical, and emotional. We can refer them to the work that ISNA produced in the Domestic Violence Conference.

The fourth area is the area of raising children, and parenting styles. If they don't have children, the counselor should discuss with them what it means to be a parent and the changes that occur in their life when they have children. If there are children from previous relationships, the counselor should discuss the concept of step parenting and their relationship with the biological parents. I advise couples to read the book Parenting in the West, or other similar books that may help in that regard.

The fifth area is about financial planning. This is a very important area because people enter the marriage relationship without anticipating the financial stress of maintaining a household. They may learn budgeting, saving, and planning for retirement. The counselor should refer the couple to a professional financial planner, or a good text to help them prepare on their own.

The sixth area includes a discussion on the roles of extended family. The counselor should initiate conversations between the couple and their parents and their families. Having in mind that many marriages fail in the Muslim community because of the interference of in-laws in the marriage life of the new couple. The counselor helps them to set-up boundaries and to encourage their parents to be a safety net for their children, rather than being a negative interference.

The seventh area is decision-making. The counselors help both the woman and the man understand how they make decisions in their own life, before they are married. Then bring them to an understanding of how that will change, or improve, when they become a couple. Stress on the use of consultation and mutual understanding of the couples' decisions.